This time last year, we posted our drivers’ Christmas wishlist, consisting of the gadgets we really hoped someone might invent. Twelve months on, and sadly, not one of our items is currently available. Exactly what are scientists playing at? Not making life easier for the motorist, that’s for sure!
Anyway, we’ve come up with five more gadgets we would dearly love to see under the Welsh VW Christmas tree. We’re confident that if motor manufacturers pull their fingers out, they could all be in production very soon.
1. Virtual Landscape Transformer
Let’s say it’s January, it’s raining, and you’re driving through the back end of West Bromwich. Now, no offence to the good people of the Black Country, but it’s fair to say that there are far more appealing locations in the world. What we desperately need is a Virtual Landscape Transformer.
With this device, a simple voice command would make the car windscreen display a beguilingly beautiful landscape of your choice. You could swap West Brom for Waikiki, Macclesfield for Malaysia, Trowbridge for Tahiti.
Nor would the transformer stop there: another voice command would replace downtrodden, shivering UK pedestrians with bronzed demigods, laughing and gamboling in the sunshine.
If they can make a heads-up display, they can certainly make one of these.
2. Reinforced Concrete Wing Mirrors
In recent years, wing mirrors have acquired heaters, electric motors, sensors and other tech. This has increased their functionality, but also their replacement cost, which now exceeds the amount your nan paid for her house.
Unfortunately, their resilience has not increased by the same degree. A simple, elegant solution to this would be wing-mirrors made from reinforced concrete. Just imagine: instead of folding in your mirrors to protect them against careless oafs, they will give you a wide berth.
Everywhere you go, your mighty mirrors would be feared, and the extra 30lbs a side would help with traction.
3. Traffic Light Controller
Incredibly straightforward. For speedy and expedient travel, the Traffic Light Controller would automatically maintain any traffic lights you’re approaching on green, or change them to green in a timely fashion.
Based on journeys where every light was against us, we believe that these have already been fitted to other people’s vehicles.
4. Lap Hoover
Maybe you shouldn’t have been eating that Gregg’s Steak Bake when you were at the wheel, but you were, and now you’ve got a lap full of greasy pastry flakes. And just when you’re about to discuss your promotion from Dynamic Usability Leader to Direct Assurance Coordinator!
Enter the Lap Hoover, which springs out from the dashboard and gently cleanses your frontal areas of excess carbohydrates, fats and protein.
Obviously, settings would need to be precisely calibrated to ensure no loss of control (of the vehicle).
5. Advanced Caravan Detection System (ACDS)
Touring caravans — you have to love ’em. They’re fun, eco-friendly, and most importantly, in front of you. And usually on a long section of suitably twisty road.
Now, you might think we’d want a forward-mounted version of the proton cannon that we asked for last year. Not at all: we don’t wish caravanners any harm, we just don’t want to be behind one.
This is where an Advanced Caravan Detection System would come in. A simple addition to existing satnav systems would identify any caravans within a 50 mile radius and advise evasive action, including driving through fields.
6. In-Car Technology Updater
Technology is now moving so quickly that you can be fully informed at breakfast and be completely out of the loop by tea-time. For those of us who can’t remember how to use the torch feature on the phone, the world of TikTok, BeThere* and Viztrender** can be a terrifying place.
And this is where the In-Car Technology Updater would score. As soon as you get in the car, a soothing voice would explain the latest tech trends in simple, easy-to-understand terms. You would then emerge from your vehicle feeling like a fully engaged digital citizen, instead of an old fossil that’s been unearthed on a beach.
*We just made that one up.
**And that one, too. We don’t even know enough modern tech to give real examples.
Of course, what we really want for Christmas is to continue doing a great job servicing, MOTing and repairing our customers’ vehicles. And on that note, we’d like to sincerely thank all of our loyal customers for using us. Wishing you a great Christmas — we’ll see you in 2022!
The Welsh VW Specialist blog covers a wide range of automotive topics, from the contentious to the light-hearted. We are an independent garage specialising (as the name suggests!) in the VW group marques, including Audi, Volkswagen, Skoda and SEAT. Welsh VW Specialists provide services, repairs and MOTs, delivering a main dealer level of care at affordable prices. To book your vehicle in, or for any enquiries, get in touch.