The Drivers’ Christmas Presents That We Wish Someone Would Invent

A few weeks back, we wrote a round-up of all the new tech that drivers could be getting soon. And though some of it was great, none of it is what we really want. In our last blog post of the year,  we’re posting our very hopeful Christmas wish-list. You know, just in case there are any genius scientists listening.

1. Passenger Comment Transformer

If you can’t wait for the real Passenger Comment Transformer, you can build a convincing mock-up, as shown on The Woodland Elf. Star Trek costume is optional.

Let’s face it, passengers can be really annoying. Apart from adding unnecessary weight to the vehicle, they are prone to criticising our driving style, navigation choices, and even vehicle cleanliness. Obviously, no driver wants to hear any of it, so first on our Xmas wish list is a passenger comment transformer.

Worn in the ear, this plug-in device would instantly translate all critical comment into soothing compliments — ones that recognise our wisdom and driving genius! For example, if your know-it-all passenger suggests, “I wouldn’t have gone this way, what with all those roadworks”, the transformer ensures that the driver hears, “An excellent choice! All things considered,  this is by far the best route.”

2. Explanatory Message Device

Basically, we want a more sophisticated version of this.

Even as driving geniuses, we do make occasional mistakes. We’ve even been justifiably honked at. And when that shameful moment comes, somehow a raised hand of apology is not enough. we must make the other party understand that our mistake was not representative of our driving ability. They need to be told that we’re good people.

At the moment, the only way to achieve this is to follow the other driver to their destination and give them a full explanation. Although tempting, obviously this would be completely mental. Not to mention unsettling for the other person.

So no. 2 on our Christmas wish list is a device that beams a full explanatory message directly into someone else’s car, perhaps via their infotainment system. This car-to-car contact is  a simply brilliant idea, and we can’t foresee any ways at all that it could be abused.

3. Rear-Facing Proton Cannon

Tailgaters beware: this artist’s rendering shows what the rear-facing proton cannon might look like.

This one’s perfectly straightforward. Automatically deployed on motorways when drivers get too close, the proton cannon would first fire a warning shot at tailgaters. This could perhaps target their headlight-flashing mechanisms or personalised number plate. Persistent offenders would be painlessly reduced to their constituent atoms. If that’s unrealistic for scientists to achieve soon, we’ll settle for a rear-facing mediaeval catapult.

4. Proactive Rain Neutraliser

There you go again. Why don’t you just stand on the roof and summon the rain gods?

You know the drill:

  1. You wash the car.
  2. You polish the car.
  3. Bursting with pride, you take the car out.
  4. And as sure as night follows day, it buckets down.
  5. The car looks like exactly it did before stage one. If not worse.

The proactive rain neutraliser would break this cycle of despair, using a high-energy forcefield to deflect raindrops from your shiny metal surfaces. Or maybe it could just make the car incredibly hot, so that rain evaporates before it hits? On second thoughts, let’s stick with the forcefield idea.

If scientists could put a man on the moon in the 1960s, surely they could tackle this very serious problem.

5. Low-Energy Version of These Christmas Car Lights

There’s only one way to show the true spirit of Christmas — and that’s sticking colossal amounts of multicoloured lights all over your car. What we’re waiting for is a decorative lighting system that shows everyone your commitment to the Christmas message and is kind to the environment.

Ah, who are we kidding, this one is just an excuse to revisit this fantastic car, which is becoming our Christmas blog post tradition. It’s still mad as a box of frogs and we love it forever.

But to be Serious…

This year in particular, we’d like to say an extra-special thanks to all of our customers at Welsh VW Specialists and anyone stopping by on our blog. We’re really grateful for your support through this tough old year. Have a brilliant Christmas and we hope to see you in 2021!

The Welsh VW Specialist blog covers a wide range of automotive topics, from the contentious to the light-hearted. We are an independent garage specialising (as the name suggests!) in all the VW group marques, including Audi, Volkswagen, Skoda and SEAT. Welsh VW Specialists provide services, repairs and MOTs, delivering a main dealer level of care at affordable prices. To book your vehicle in, or for any enquiries, get in touch.